I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
