Well douche your snatch and let's go!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
