at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found the puke drawer
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
