Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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