I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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