is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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