i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
