I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
