Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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