genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
