I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
