I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
