i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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