"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
