Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
