i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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