i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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