he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
God, I missed his penis.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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