my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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