I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
