We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
BRING THE BAGELS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
