watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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