so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
