I hate all girls vehemently.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
