I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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