i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
