Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
