Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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