Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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