She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
