So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fuck appropriateness.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
