there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
