Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
