my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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