Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
