apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
