he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
