The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Come see our sink grown plant.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i think i just lost a toe
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
