She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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