is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The air taste purple.
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