Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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