i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Can I color on your dick again?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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