i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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