so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
