My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
