Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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