Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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