So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
