like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
