Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
