How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
