Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
