I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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