Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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